No. 16

we have to brake the general notions - the godamn romantic images
these limiting concepts of what something should be/look/or sound like
that an artist must drink wine and be naked and have a many lovers
or that a writter must be alone and type hungover and slum
what worked for them doesn't work for you [although sometimes it could]

The only enemy is time
because as i grow older and wiser I also become less youthful
and this too is a general notion that must be abolished; the sacredness of Youth!
become older with class, with fully developed emotions and stories lived that shake you up even after they've happened
learn to listen and conversate without jittering
You can't allow yourself to become stale:: one good song can only last so long
so dare to reinvent:::
I have this recurring need to isolate myself from social life; I enjoy less and less
the company of random others, and more importantly, there are things that i want
and i want them now. It must have something to do with the fact that I traded my piano for a couple of decks [when i was young and stupid] and you know the rest:: my piano demanded comfortable aloness to master; my decks needed attention and attention to a scene that i no longer respect. Maybe i'm being spiteful; whatever it was
i don't really care now
I know what i want.

It isn't easy standing alone
a crew gives you undivided support, even condescending support which abides as
condescending attitudes. [dishonest plain and simple]
The difficult waves come when in your lower cycles; when the moral is low and the stomach is aching - the unassertive version of yourself who always pulls away to play it safe:: and it's that moment of doubt in a killer wave that can brake your board and take you down for more seconds that comfortable:: it's that version who is a dangerous one - a layer in which i take no groundbreaking decisions and pursue no sacred dreams. Aggressiveness is useful if you know how to combine it with humbleness: : and non of that weak-ass bible salesman humbleness - i mean the true prowess in being boldly humble.
So if you know that being alone is going to bring you something more grand than
the overrated company of herd animals [a scene that's just fun] then be prepared
to battle things more confronting than anything prior; your [alleged] close one's calling you a grandpa for instance, or the typical line that decomposes the weak wanderers - "you use to be so ammazing; now your just boring":: do not fear; this is usually a line of a resented one left behind that your no longer feel like entertaining.
stand strong and stand alone: : stop lying to yourself!
there's no one on deck to throw you that life-raft.

No.1

cheese and cliches
you go back and face your previous work
you wanna get rid of if because of all the godamn cheeseyness you find in past
states of mind::: things you want to re-edit and polish
but you have to respect what you wanted and where you were...
but you cant be so fake to yourself; so phony to your own unsophistication.
somedays you wanna place a digital bomb on your blog - the kind that self destructs after 5 seconds:: wiping off every effort you've made in whatever state you where when you got around to sitting down.
i have 30% of a migrane lingering around at 2h44 am - unattending calls and avoiding social confrontation...
and about 85% of me is "i don't give a shit" regarding my social life or party friends
you apply your time and it's scattered into pointless drinking with hungover decisions
that never end up satisfying .

someone told me today that in the future
that I was going to die alone with no friends
"i hope you can have dogs in flats by then. many dogs."