hay que agraecerle al flaco. devinitamente cuando pienso en como se dan las cosas; como el consejo siempre acertado de tu pilar materno te ayuda a fortalecer esa decision que te sale de adentro; ese ir detras de lo que quizas no te conviene, pero te llena! Te resplandece con el solo suceder y por un momento en el tiempo estas mas arriba que todo lo demas; que todos tus problemas, tus responsabilidades, tus preocupaciones, que nada mas importa.
A la final uno tiene que hacer tambien las cosas de uno; asi estas impliquen un poco de maliciaa; un poco de 'malcrianza'.
que algun dia te levantes y te des cuenta de que por muchos anios; nada mas importaba - porque hasta la imrrotancia subsconsciente que un individuo le tiene a ciertas cosas, lo superan. Que es mas fuerte que tu!
y toda esa intensidad no puede detener a un extranio que se acerca a enduzarte el oido.
"this is what we wanted to happen with our short ending interludes; that somebody sharp enough would take it
¿Qué tiempos son éstos,
en que un diálogo
es casi un crimen,
porque encierra
tanta cosa dicha?
::
Adentro mio yace un poco de todo lo que amo; un poco de todo lo que odio.
Porque la polaridad existe en todas las cosas; en todo lo organico eso es. Y tanto como soy bueno, soy hijoputa. Tanto como soy humilde, soy soberbio:: tanto como soy angel, soy demonio. Pero trato de pulir todas mis formas. Entre esas, el ninio asustado que llevo adentro. Ese muchacho inseguro, callado, socialmente torpe que detesto - que hasta me molesta a mi propia persona! Y a la vez tengo que domesticar ese animal que quiere placer pagano - que la insensatez del absurdo, tiene algo enaltecedor.
Domingo madrugado
Siento que estoy recobrando la confianza. Que poco a poco el levantar de las cosas ya no se me hace tan pesado, que puedo con mayor facilidad. Depravo el suenio, como bien, y tomo por las noches. No duro - pero si una fria despues de laburar. Es importante que te quedes hasta el final.
Me gusta sentirte lejos un tiempo. Sentir que te extranio mientras intento vivir mi historia.
::
The relationship i have with my you, my brother, is somewhat like an extension of myself. When i think of putting things into words for a corresponding letter to you, it's like when i write threads for myself.
I read somewhere that the mind works in cycles. I also understand that for many religious philosophies time is cyclical, and so i begin to think of my own cycles. Truth is - i find myself in my worst cycle. That day to day where i cannot find my confidence. I find myself unnattending social commitments, and i'm more introverted than usual. I can observe the wityiness in some people, but have no idea of how to be witty myself. It isn't enough to know people are thinking or what their body language is saying about them - if i can't say anything in retalliation. My humour is nowhere in sight and i feel like one of those geeks i see sometimes - those people who cannot communicate. But what frustration! For i realize the imperceptive details of this world, and cannot act upon it! Not only is it important for me to notice the power spheres, the constant battle for power, the intentions behind the way people act; for me it is important to capitilize in this notion. Capitilize in the sense of putting it to work.
Nothing fills brother - not even this journey to Thailand that i'm fighting so much to perform. I feel like i've dehumanized my strong emotions and my impulsive ways; i cannot even write confindently which is usually the last place where i can grasp some strength. As days go by i continue saying to myself that the solutions for my problems are not permanent
: that "this" situation is just for a while. This house situation, this monetary situation, this feeling inside. But i look back at the calendar and time keeps passing me by... and these situational solutions begin to look for permanent. Self-deception is a defense mecanism. I do sports as much as i can; no rigid rutine however. And when i wake up in the morning by arms feel weak. I want to feel like i'm grasping this life brother! Great life quality isn't about eating well and looking elegant when your walking down the street:: it's about fully developed emotions, and rich life experiences. The only moment i felt i was on the top of that wave was when i lived it large in the apartment with the seaview, without having to worry about Uni and having sparetime to walk the allyways of the city with my girl. And money was not a problem, and time was a problem, and i didn;t have to be anywhere else or doing anything more imporant - because nothing was more important. And people would walk up to me and just talk, sometimes they even said, "You look interesting, whats your story"... and if you asked me now that guy is so foreign to the guy you see now; i cannot keep the poker face. It's been a year and a half since i see mom and dad - and i cannot even recall the last time i saw you. But i saw mom on a webcam the other day and she looked like she had aged; and as soon as i finished that call i cried brother:: because time is passing by and still can't own the moment - the very moment. The physical evidence of the passing ot time is the aging of the body; and i fear going back home and feeling like so much time has gone by; but in my mind it's been relativelly short. All of this.
Somedays i think of myself as having to people inside of me; one of them is this very graceful, very calm kid who can handle any situation and is very loved by people. But the other one is this person writting to you know, the one who cannot escape his mind even when people are talking to his face:: insecure, concerned about the future, and filled of stress. I find everything around me to be ridiculous, people's behaviour, trivial topics, life goals.
I have the concept; but now i need to use it!
::
There's no sacrifice too great for a chance at inmortality.
Humphrey Bogart by Nicholas Ray
He's nice and substantial. The easy going type: he lives with his folks and has a good job.
There's nothing wrong with his mind except that it's superior.
"i was born when she kissed me, i died when she left me, i lived a few weeks while she loved me."
The future is not set. There is no fate but you make for yourself.
...so, there is no destiny; but a faith in a superior energy who kind of guides you all the time.
Thailand Royal Thai Consulate General
Suite 301, 566 St Kilda Road
9533 9100 930 am to 2 pm.
10.11.10
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