#3?

i hoped i never had to hear you say
"I can't do this aynmore.
I'll see ya later.
Yeah, it is the best decision."
because things change

y uno nunca vuelve a ser el mismo".

sera porque he escuchado estas palabras de falsedad tantas veces en el pasado, que ahora me saben tan amargas como el expresso doble mal preparado a las 8h11 am.
sera porque el viejo diablo habla en mi interior? pero yo se que, que muchas, son como los monitos... esos que no se sueltan de una rama hasta estar bien agarrada de la otra
sera porque mi ego se desplaza cada vez que pienso que cualquiera, por cuestion demografica, esta en un mejor lugar para darte todo lo que yo no voy a darte.
sera porque hoy, de todos los dias, siento una brisa sin igual, una fuerza, una fortaleza para dejarte atras y empezar a cruzar el charco; solo.

porque Hoy no te necesito a ti, ni a ti, ni mucho menos a vos malparido.
hoy necesito callar y entender que estoy donde tengo que estar y bla bla bla bla blaaa bla bla bleeeeu

#2 [for i.]

Para serte sincero; ando que odio al mundo. Particularmente hace recientemente; ese instincto Tigre que tengo que me dice que something's goin' on. De repente; no confio en nadie. Ni en mi propia sombra compita; que son los que mas cercanos a ti estan los que terminan haciendote la cagada. Im telling you.
Mis ideas ultimamente han sido blandas. No profundizo mucho en mi tiempo libre porque no tengo tiempo libre; a no ser ahora a las 5h12 am cuando termino de cerrar la barra y bajo al Mac for some free internet. Es tragico, pero muy deleitable. Mi vida es decir. A mi me gusta - es al resto que termino exasperando! jajajajAJJAJAJAJA! Sabes compa; pienso que no estoy hecho para muchas cosas normales. Relaciones por ejemplo; me pasa como con las corrientes del mar, o los cambios de viento; que alguien tiene una sexualidad que me llama personalmente. No pasa todos los dias; pero si pasa. Y cuando tengo 25 anios; y no quiero estar fucking casado; entonces la vida en solitario, como vengo viajando desde crio, hace sentido.
Me vomito un poquito en la boca cuando veo parejas en la calle; pienso que muchos no saben lo que hacen.
Me descepciono de tu genero a tal profunidad; que la unica alternativa que tengo es

comprar un perro.

Y sino que? quien se va a quedar hasta el final de la pelicula?
le extranio mucho a mu padre compita... le pienso todo el tiempo y me siento diferente a ratos. Como que ser independiente es una arma de doble filo.
Extranio el calor de una persona; una caricia de mujer, de mama hasta. que no todo sea cuantas horas trabajaste en la semana; y donde va a tocar que dj, o que expo rueda el finde proxima. me vale verrrrrrrr**A! me gustaria poderme sentar contigo y hacer de terapista a psicopata; como cuando me ayudaste a lidiar mi locura con tu primita. Que bestia; a mi si me tocan unas especiales no? como para aprender la leccion diria yo....
flaco ya reelaaaajate man.
que no tengo prisa, y ya no le temo a nada. Despues de lo crudeza que esta ciudad me ha presentado; la mano que no da una mano, los dias durmiendo en hostales mientras hacia de cleaner, y robaba la comida de los otros transeuntes, a diario, sino el colapso. You will anything in order to survive; even if it does mean braking down your own morality and taking from others. Take from anywhere that inspires necessity, or inspiration. Take from places; literally even, and transpose. The fact that you decontextualized it, it was already yours.
I miss writting to you more often... i miss you in more ways than one.
um beijo compita mia.... eu quero mushco voce.

#1. [10]

baratos amores baratos
los veo por todas partes
y lo que mas me gracia, es cuando
pregunto, "y tu? que de tu amor?"
y siempre responden "el mio es distinto."
hommo-sappiens sappiens; nos caracterizamos
por ser la misma raza. y quizas, lo que tu
crees que es unico, pues es mas mundano que
la misma mugre.

#7

in the back of your head, your always gonna want to hunt, its a primal instinct.
we live in our deception; our very own version of the facts
whether they happened like you remember, or you remember conveniently
what you want; the end result is reacting to an imaginary stimulus.
E/motional placebo's. It's so deranged from the truth, all there is
left to do
is laugh at each other incompetence to handle the cheddar. for the tears we give each other come from imaginary dramas that came so close to never happening.

#6

"everything is different at the other side of the river."
you wake up. morning stroll to the Monarch cake shop to get my fix.
250 gr. of legacy. It's all about the one-hundred year old recibe of the
Kughelhouf. Coffee is a hit; old expresso machines and fine baristas. My good place for a word or two; if sparing of time. Ciggaretes. Coffee and Ciggarettes. But there are rarely any places left to have some coffee on the lot with out some body builder hacking you off.

see we live at night
we are the ones pouring your drinks on your late night stroll to the graveyard
yeah' that's the one - with all the dead-girls and walking zombies
we are the ones who scrape your dishes
we mop your toilets; we open the door to sit you in your favorite resto
we all now each other. some from "bigmouth", others from "le roche".
there's just no end to this.
can my violence conquer yours; that's what it all comes down to.
god loves violence; why else would there be so much of it. or your gonna tell me god wanted all of this consistent conflict in human life. the no violence is anti natural to men.


[2010]

#6

"everything is different at the other side of the river."
you wake up. morning stroll to the Monarch cake shop to get my fix.
250 gr. of legacy. It's all about the one-hundred year old recibe of the
Kughelhouf. Coffee is a hit; old expresso machines and fine baristas. My good place for a word or two; if sparing of time. Ciggaretes. Coffee and Ciggarettes. But there are rarely any places left to have some coffee on the lot with out some body builder hacking you off.

see we live at night
we are the ones pouring your drinks on your late night stroll to the graveyard
yeah' that's the one - with all the dead-girls and walking zombies
we are the ones who scrape your dishes
we mop your toilets; we open the door to sit you in your favorite resto
we all now each other. some from "bigmouth", others from "le roche".
there's just no end to this.
can my violence conquer yours; that's what it all comes down to.
god loves violence; why else would there be so much of it. or your gonna tell me god wanted all of this consistent conflict in human life. the no violence is anti natural to men.


[2010]

childhood

My farthest valley you are
Bewitched and vanished.
Many times, in my grief and agony,
You have beckoned upward to me from your country of
shadows
And opened you legendary eyes
Till I, lost in a quick illusion,
Lost myself back to you wholly.

O dark gate,
O dark hour of death,
Come forth,
So I can recover from this life's emptiness
And go home to my own dreams.

#5 (unfound)

hay que agraecerle al flaco. devinitamente cuando pienso en como se dan las cosas; como el consejo siempre acertado de tu pilar materno te ayuda a fortalecer esa decision que te sale de adentro; ese ir detras de lo que quizas no te conviene, pero te llena! Te resplandece con el solo suceder y por un momento en el tiempo estas mas arriba que todo lo demas; que todos tus problemas, tus responsabilidades, tus preocupaciones, que nada mas importa.
A la final uno tiene que hacer tambien las cosas de uno; asi estas impliquen un poco de maliciaa; un poco de 'malcrianza'.

que algun dia te levantes y te des cuenta de que por muchos anios; nada mas importaba - porque hasta la imrrotancia subsconsciente que un individuo le tiene a ciertas cosas, lo superan. Que es mas fuerte que tu!
y toda esa intensidad no puede detener a un extranio que se acerca a enduzarte el oido.

"this is what we wanted to happen with our short ending interludes; that somebody sharp enough would take it

¿Qué tiempos son éstos,
en que un diálogo
es casi un crimen,
porque encierra
tanta cosa dicha?


::
Adentro mio yace un poco de todo lo que amo; un poco de todo lo que odio.
Porque la polaridad existe en todas las cosas; en todo lo organico eso es. Y tanto como soy bueno, soy hijoputa. Tanto como soy humilde, soy soberbio:: tanto como soy angel, soy demonio. Pero trato de pulir todas mis formas. Entre esas, el ninio asustado que llevo adentro. Ese muchacho inseguro, callado, socialmente torpe que detesto - que hasta me molesta a mi propia persona! Y a la vez tengo que domesticar ese animal que quiere placer pagano - que la insensatez del absurdo, tiene algo enaltecedor.

Domingo madrugado
Siento que estoy recobrando la confianza. Que poco a poco el levantar de las cosas ya no se me hace tan pesado, que puedo con mayor facilidad. Depravo el suenio, como bien, y tomo por las noches. No duro - pero si una fria despues de laburar. Es importante que te quedes hasta el final.
Me gusta sentirte lejos un tiempo. Sentir que te extranio mientras intento vivir mi historia.

::

The relationship i have with my you, my brother, is somewhat like an extension of myself. When i think of putting things into words for a corresponding letter to you, it's like when i write threads for myself.
I read somewhere that the mind works in cycles. I also understand that for many religious philosophies time is cyclical, and so i begin to think of my own cycles. Truth is - i find myself in my worst cycle. That day to day where i cannot find my confidence. I find myself unnattending social commitments, and i'm more introverted than usual. I can observe the wityiness in some people, but have no idea of how to be witty myself. It isn't enough to know people are thinking or what their body language is saying about them - if i can't say anything in retalliation. My humour is nowhere in sight and i feel like one of those geeks i see sometimes - those people who cannot communicate. But what frustration! For i realize the imperceptive details of this world, and cannot act upon it! Not only is it important for me to notice the power spheres, the constant battle for power, the intentions behind the way people act; for me it is important to capitilize in this notion. Capitilize in the sense of putting it to work.
Nothing fills brother - not even this journey to Thailand that i'm fighting so much to perform. I feel like i've dehumanized my strong emotions and my impulsive ways; i cannot even write confindently which is usually the last place where i can grasp some strength. As days go by i continue saying to myself that the solutions for my problems are not permanent
: that "this" situation is just for a while. This house situation, this monetary situation, this feeling inside. But i look back at the calendar and time keeps passing me by... and these situational solutions begin to look for permanent. Self-deception is a defense mecanism. I do sports as much as i can; no rigid rutine however. And when i wake up in the morning by arms feel weak. I want to feel like i'm grasping this life brother! Great life quality isn't about eating well and looking elegant when your walking down the street:: it's about fully developed emotions, and rich life experiences. The only moment i felt i was on the top of that wave was when i lived it large in the apartment with the seaview, without having to worry about Uni and having sparetime to walk the allyways of the city with my girl. And money was not a problem, and time was a problem, and i didn;t have to be anywhere else or doing anything more imporant - because nothing was more important. And people would walk up to me and just talk, sometimes they even said, "You look interesting, whats your story"... and if you asked me now that guy is so foreign to the guy you see now; i cannot keep the poker face. It's been a year and a half since i see mom and dad - and i cannot even recall the last time i saw you. But i saw mom on a webcam the other day and she looked like she had aged; and as soon as i finished that call i cried brother:: because time is passing by and still can't own the moment - the very moment. The physical evidence of the passing ot time is the aging of the body; and i fear going back home and feeling like so much time has gone by; but in my mind it's been relativelly short. All of this.
Somedays i think of myself as having to people inside of me; one of them is this very graceful, very calm kid who can handle any situation and is very loved by people. But the other one is this person writting to you know, the one who cannot escape his mind even when people are talking to his face:: insecure, concerned about the future, and filled of stress. I find everything around me to be ridiculous, people's behaviour, trivial topics, life goals.

I have the concept; but now i need to use it!

::

There's no sacrifice too great for a chance at inmortality.
Humphrey Bogart by Nicholas Ray

He's nice and substantial. The easy going type: he lives with his folks and has a good job.

There's nothing wrong with his mind except that it's superior.


"i was born when she kissed me, i died when she left me, i lived a few weeks while she loved me."

The future is not set. There is no fate but you make for yourself.
...so, there is no destiny; but a faith in a superior energy who kind of guides you all the time.

Thailand Royal Thai Consulate General
Suite 301, 566 St Kilda Road
9533 9100 930 am to 2 pm.

10.11.10

#4

i hear screams coming from downstairs
agitated, hoorah cheers
it must be tuesday then
when all the jockies and pony-tail girls
gather around the ping-pong table
and play an american fraternity
spectacle were they throw balls
at each others glasses and drink them
in the midst of screaming!
loud screams, hoorah cheers
shhhhht, huhhht:: it's definitely time to leave this joint.

the revolution will not be televised

from no-life to own life
the black musicians of America who once wrote about
the pains and frustrations of being an abused minority
all of the sudden died
and gave way to the million dollar babies
the bentley tunning, money money making, "360 degree basketball dunkin"
generation of Big Rappers.
They just dont make em' like they use to.

The subtle differences between talking about money -
"I Love the Dough" by Biggie and Jay z contrasted to "Empire State of Mind"
Music has this way of morphing and changing, sometimes redirecting the nature of its own movement. I like electronic music; so i follow the positive progressions it's going through lately.
Take Gil Scott Heron; who put an album out on 2010. The same album, post-mortem got picked up by young beatful producer, one third of the XX, Jaime XX. Way to brake through as an artist from the new generation to decide take this, Gil;s last album, to rename it remixed, "We're Here Now"
I love the combination.
Gil tiene una manzana de adan gigante, y eso se dice que tiene que ver con la forma que rebota su voz adentro de su cuerpo. Amorfo como tu gordon, asi que fresco que los raros somos los que la hacemos.
Y bueno, siendo que he escuchado el album antes y despues de Jamie XX, me gusta mas remezclado. Mantiene los elementos originales casi intactos, pero jeuga mucho con el beat, y agrega nuevas melodias.


Gil Scott and Frank Sinatra, Notorious BIG and Kurt Kobain.
they just dont make em' like they uso to.

#3

the illusion of money
no bigger lie, or greater deception, than the effect of money in the psyche. We are so retartedly conditioned to wanting money, and desiring money, that the lack of it can make one's insides crawl into despair...
where is my safety
what if something happens
what will i do
where will i go!

You can start off by un-selfdecieving yourself:: yesterday was just as good as today, and you had no money then. and then at some point, if you really think about it, your gonna have "money" in your possession, and your game is going to go A plus. So bring it; with or without your illusion; your the same grifter; the best as you've ever been.

#2

escupe escupe! es malo! escupe!
No me dejo ver los domingos a estas horas. Relajado, semi desnudo, haciendo el ridiculo - burlandome de mi mismo... es decir, con la barriga suelta, y no tensa para aparentar que soy atractivo. La verdad es que estoy gordo, sucio, mal dormido, mi ultima comida fue ayer como a estas horas, he escrito cosas bastante deprimentes, fumado demasiada mafu, tomado demasiadas bielas, y hablado con demasiados smurfs; incluso ese que es malvado y que tiene cola de demonio. Papa Smurf por otro lado yace sentado en mi hombro derecho, todo el tiempo. I cant quite fuck around when the thought of hims is upon me; and it's on me all the time. A ratos i creep out y oigo cosas y me pongo muy atento y hago silencio... shhh... pero no hay nada; im restless. Me despedi de el por ultima vez la primera venida a Australia; en el aeropuerto, antes de partir, ese era mi padre - completo, sano, y llorando.... esa figura como la unica vez que lo vi llorar... esa y una noche cuando cumplio 60 anios.
Por mi lado, estoy por todas partes. Todos sabemos que la distancia no es para relaciones, o uno no es para la distancia, pero bueno... S. me cago:: y desde entonces, a certain sense of wanting to just fuck someone lingers in my days. Me pasa, que las mujeres me son receptivas hahahahaa o sea, me hablan, o estoy tan relajado y valido verga y feliz, que no me dicen que no.
Ya que estamos en este tema de nuestros dias verdaderos, los que no subimos a la red:: estaba volviendo de la uni el otro dia, caminando de noche despues de una ardua velada en el studio. Paso por un lugar elegantaso, "Goldfingers": : : entre, me bienvinieron, y me hicieron pasar. Dos pisos mas tarde, un cafe con piernas... eso es lo que era este sitio. Me fui para la barra a pedir una cerveza timida, y al sentarme, viene una ninia. Luna, (fake name) 25, burnette, wrica. Y conversa conversa, dos bielas porfavor, conversa conversa. "I love talking, but, dont you want me to get naked at some point?"... Yo, nervioso, hecho el que no, pero cagao en nevios. Y un lapdance mas tarde y was like, in love. I know it sounds imbecil, but it's true. Y le veia a los ojos cuando bailaba en este cuarto... y me e n c a n t a b a ella. Como que le hablaba a mi sexo, una cosa muy intima. Y luego sali y me dice "let's meet. lucky coq on monday at 4.. i cant give you mi number in here"
Y en esa ansiedad ando.. con una s. que llama todo el tiempo, y un cabron adentro mio que quiere estar con esta bailarina. no es una puta, she's a dancer paying through college with dancing. cliche but true. yo no creo que vaya a aparecer, pero algo adentro de mi (seguramente mi ego) me dice que si.
Sali de alli, camiseta negra sudada, excitada, cuando me levante del cuarto me estaba esperando alguien con mi abrigo, sombrero, y sali de nuevo a la guerra callejera. asi la considero cada vez que salgo por la puerta: a godamn war out there. Y de noche, pienso que todo esta muerto, que son zombies y camino con paranoia de que algun loco, junki, puto, o hooligan me haga problema por ser moreno.

Me entreno, corro.. quiero poder correr 10 km sin parar... sin regresar a ver ni para tomar viada. Ahora corro 3km non stop y tengo que parar a vomitar. Me jodo, me burlo de mi mismo. Saco la panza cuando me siento y me digo "gordo puto de mierda". me molesto conmigo mismo, los sentimientos no son claros... sino mas bien lo opuesto.

Me molesto con Jodorowsky por como habla de ***... si considero lo que dice entonces sus argumentos se tornan viscerales, pero si lo veo desde otra perspectiva, no me afectan. oportunista gordo de mierda.
oigo musica que no este en claves de do, re, o fa, a alguna otra tonalidad meca que me produzca sentimientos agradables. Me paso los dias pensando que hay alguien atras mio, que ahora llego la hora de que morir, o que me poseas, o algun basura por el estilo. No se porque; quizas debo dejar de tomar tanto cafe, y fumar tantos cigarrillos. O simplemente deberia dejar de hablar y empezar a hacer una de esas tantas cosas que siempre digo que voy a hacer.
Mi primer encuentro contigo, dentro de otro anio, sera surreal. Habra pasado tanto tiempo, que no me vas a reconocer la piel, pero si los ojos... siempre los ojos - los mismos en los que te daras cuenta, que sigo siendo el mismo ninio de siempre.

#1

alien in a new space.
heart pounding strong, in need of speed
i make my trackpad go faster
breathe in; that this is your home right now
make it your cave, for a day if necessary
i look at my garbage and all there is for the past 2 days
is an empty stubby of melbourne's finest brew
and a dirty cup of coffee. take a look at your lifestyle!
your almost in shape
to attempt being a writer.

life is a beautiful thing... as long as i hold a string
silly, silly life.

9.07.011.

Here now is all that matters;
Fuck the then later.